Honouring your parents when the relationship hurts

Everyone can quote this commandment. Far fewer people know what to do with it when the parent in question was absent, harsh, humiliating — or never acknowledged anything at all. This text is for them.

A simple commandment, a complicated life

“Honour your father and your mother.” Exodus 20:12. Put like that, it’s crystal clear.

Except that behind every situation there’s a real story. A father who was never there. A mother who still compares today. Words said at twelve that still go round and round. And often, no one on the other side who acknowledges anything.

The result is a double penalty: you carry the wound, plus the guilt of not managing to obey a commandment you keep hearing.

What honouring does not mean

Let’s be clear about this, because the confusion does damage.

Honouring doesn’t mean pretending everything was fine. It doesn’t mean erasing what you went through or convincing yourself you’re exaggerating. And it certainly doesn’t mean endlessly accepting behaviour that destroys you, in the name of a verse.

Your dignity matters as much as the honour owed to a parent. The commandment has never been a licence for abuse.

Honouring doesn’t require lying about what happened. That was never the deal.

What it can look like in practice

Honouring can take very sober forms. Refusing to badmouth needlessly, even when you’d have stories to tell. Praying for someone with whom the relationship hasn’t been restored. Acknowledging what was good, when there was good, without it cancelling out the rest.

And sometimes honouring is lived at a distance. A safe distance isn’t a failing: it is sometimes the only way not to add harm to harm.

If you don’t know where to set the line, don’t decide alone. Pastoral or professional support helps you find the right posture — it isn’t the same for everyone.

Key takeaways

• The commandment never demands denying your suffering.
• Honouring can be lived at a distance when closeness isn’t safe.
• Refusing to badmouth, praying, acknowledging the good: real forms of honour.

What are you confusing right now between honouring someone and keeping quiet?